so, xanga and everyone who reads it...

i've been doing some thinkin lately- and some lurking. I revisited my best friends' old xanga sites just to get a final does of nostalgia before I leave to start life in a completely new state. Some of their last entrys were saying goodbye and talking about how they dont know where they'll be in a year from now (which is now) and some are talking about how they'll get off grounding just in time for the weekend and some more parties (which is predictable and hilarious in its own right.) some just talked about summer of 2005 and how its over, but at least they can do handstands now.. but they all agree that 'its different now'.

and then theres me.. overanalyzing everything over here in my own little xanga corner. as usual. that'll never change.

so i wanted to write this for everyone who still reads this thing, and (like katy) for amanda benk because shes the only one who uses xanga but we love her for it... and this is my last entry before I go... because you guys know im not good with goodbyes, or showing feelings or being sentimental and if I ever said this out loud you all know.. It would just be plain out-of-character.

Each of you are important to me than you could possibly imagine. Together we've been through almost everything. We've hated eachother, we’ve missed the bus, we’ve wrecked my car together, we've put holes in my basement wall together, we've refused to speak, we've partied, we’ve made terrible music together and awesome music together, we've been inseparable and we occasionally said hi in the hallways as we rushed to class.. but through it all I know that I've never held anyone closer to me than my friends in Hershey or CASA. I loved you- and I wont ever stop. And yes, “I fucking hate college” and it hasn’t even started, mainly because I know once I cram everything into that car and turn down Waltonville- theres no looking back. Things will never be the same. And right now Im hangin on to anything I have left right now, and if that is outdated xanga entries, then so be it.. Its all I have left here of you to make me feel at home. Theres a certain ache I get when I think of leaving everything, not the town, but the people I love.. But the best thing about it is I know you all are going to do something amazing with your lives.. And I hope I do too, so you can be as proud of me as I know I will be of you. I try so hard to think of this as a positive thing. It would only be tragic if we let each other slide between the cracks and lost touch... I know Im hard to get a hold of. Sometimes I cant even find myself when I need to, but I’ll do whatever it takes to keep in touch with you. I realize this is a new part of your lives that I will never be included in.. but I hope that we never forget the way things were.

No matter how much I hide my feelings don’t ever let me fool you- I miss you with all my heart, I positively love and adore you. And this isn’t ‘goodbye’ its just ‘cya later.’

All the love I could ever give,
Kailynn

all you ever need to feel better is chocolate and a really good hug- and im always just a phone call away.

"Imperious, choleric, irascible, extreme in everything, with a dissolute imagination the like of which has never been seen, atheistic to the point of fanaticism, there you have me in a nutshell.... Kill me again or take me as I am, for I shall not change."

-Marquis de Sade

oh well.

fuck me for being stubborn and extreme, for taking everything to the most drastic level and then forcing it even further. Fuck me for wanting to be disconnected from everything that hurts and still expect to live and not regret things. and for being unrealistic. Fuck me for being confusing and confused. fuck me for being unworkable. fuck me for not respecting myself for the fact that I am completely and utterly emotionally unpredictable. Fuck me for not speaking my mind more often and comparing myself to.. everyone and everything.

if im not in love with everything, the world is a hell hole and I hate everything and I am empty.

and that sucks sometimes... so this is all going to change.

quality over quantity

I realize that I didnt go to many classes this year at Duquesne's summer workshop but oddly enough I think that I learned the most this year over all the others... and no.. I dont really think that Im just trying to justify staying up till 4 in the morning on the computers in the lab downstairs. Going to classes is not the only way to learn things. I can now fight off unwanted advances with at least some dignity, I can fend off weird homeless people and palm readers, and also outwit St. Martin's RAs and nazi staff. Each year is different.... really really different.. but i dont think thats necessarily a bad thing. I went to at least 1 fingerstyle class a day and learned some stuff that will really help with my technique and speed.. I understand the derivative of 7 chords (even A-symmetrical ones)!! I discovered that Lawrence Juber is my new hero (the guitarist from Wings) too much jazz and too much shred makes me really bored, and anything to excess (alcohol-insomnia) is bad for you. (although the alcohol thing was not realized first hand.. just witnessed.)

I have cool friends.. but I miss a lot of things at home.

College is scary. Im just afraid of it being worse than how things are now.. when you think of it, isnt that all being scared really means? you're scared because you're afraid you'll be worse off in a little bit than you are now.. no matter what you apply the word to.

OoOooOoOoOoOoOoh look being tired has made me philosophical.. So Im done now... I think.

I've been writing more, and laughing more lately... feeling more free than usual. Just wanting to get out. I think its the rain- as if maybe the weather really can control how you feel. Everyone seems depressed, concerned, anxious, or left out thinking everyone else is busy having fun while they're the only ones sitting there thinking 'Dammit where the hell is everybody today?'

We gave people who were walking in the rain a ride to where ever they needed to be and I couldn't stop laughing. Everyone seemed so scared to be stuck in a car with us but I was having the time of my life! I wish those involuntary hitch-hikers would've understood that we WERE the nightlife and this was as good as it gets.